no one warns you

I don’t have kids, I would like to, but I don’t know if it will ever happen. This isn’t really about kids, or having children. Its about finding yourself with teenagers, they aren’t teenagers though.

Growing up with older parents its different. There are different challenges. Right now my dad he is turning 79, my mum 74.

Fuck it, fuck this shit.

My dad has dementia, my mum is drowning, she isn’t handling it well. I know there isn’t something right with her.

I just want to run away. If I think about it too much, the world and everything just sits on my shoulders waiting for me to snap. Now I have to pack up and move.

I live on the other side of the country, now I have to move back. Leave my friends, my partner, changer unis. Get a new doctor, dentist and everything else under the sun. What is the other option I let them sit in that house and rot. I can’t do that. There is no one who feels the overwhelming pain of taking on two people and everything that comes with them.

It’s not just being there, its cooking, cleaning helping with the bills. Its everything. These two people don’t know what is best for them any more. Everything I do, I get talked back to, told I am wrong, that I know nothing. It all sounds so familiar. I have two teenagers.

I didn’t get to go through the fun stuff.

the worst part is in the end I have to do this alone. I will have peoples support, but they wont be able to be there 24/7, no that will be me.

I get to watch as slowly these people that I knew completely disappear and what will I be left with but two strangers, who wont even know who I am.

With all this pain and heart ache, all I need to remember even now is that I do this out of love.

Still I would love to disappear into nothing.

final year project

I have spent the last three years learning photography. the link below is the video of my final project.
I did my project on PCOS and the five stages of grief. We handed it in, in book form and video form.
I am currently fixing the book to make available for sale.

just copy and past into google.

Pcos awareness month

In Australia it’s spring, ironic when you think about it. This is the month of New beginings, of the birds and the bees. Alot of us can’t even have kids. The One thing that is suppose to just happen.

 For women with pcos this month is suppose to bring awareness, to our suffering. Yet I see no pins or pens being sold, or ads for awareness. There isn’t any walks for awareness.

The worst is the silence from those closet to you who just don’t get it and usually that is the man in your life, they are there for you but just don’t understand how you feel about yourself. 

The chin hair, the struggle with weight and the moods that come and go like the weather. You just want to scream and be as close to normal as you can.

There is no cure and no true medical help you wonder around alone in the dark searching for answers.

Wishing there was something’s to get your body to spot being so chaotic. 

Pcos + weight

As most people know with pcos one of the biggest issues is weight gain.

The other day at an appointment I got weighed in I’m the biggest I have ever been 104kg, this weight gain is on top the muscle I gained while losing weight.

I got 20+ KGS off over two years, then family issues came up and I became emotionally drained I wasn’t able to look after myself.

I just kept putting it back on, I kept finding no why out of the self sabotaging behaviour.

And I couldn’t explain to people what I was going through, the darkness that held tight. People kept trying to help but I just couldn’t take the steps, the things I really wanted to do.

Even knowing I’m 104 I have to keep reminding myself, it has become a mantra when I look at foods I want that are bad for you.

I am hoping it will take me out of the crazy cycle of self destructive behavior. 

I don’t want to be over weight, I don’t want to feel like hiding myself and being super careful of what i wear.

I want to be size 12

I want to be 78-82kg range.

Self destruction is not an easy habit to break.

With eyes that are mine

I watch the battle from the outside

hands tied

Useless

I am

You struggle, I don’t understand

So we yell, we cry

we love

You wont servive

distoryed by your own mind

You are not you, but you are you

So memory is where I find the whole of what used to be

A stranger stands here now, where you used to be

Please understand and be patient with me

I don’t understand

The stranger of the face of a person  I once knew stands in front of me

 

sorry dont have a title yet for this, it is about how i feel useless in watching as my father is going through dementia.

Day before

So tomorrow I have to start on a week of no sugar, dairy, carbs, fruit, gluten, and no caffeine, I am unsure how I am going to do this.
I like and am kind of addicted to some of these, hot chocolate is my go to drink, fruits are usually my snack.
I am finding it hard to come to terms with this.
I believe for me it will be like a drug addict going through withdrawal.
Hope my partner can cope and my mother in-law understand.

Hunted

Sneak and slither

Stare and hide

Wait to strike

Guard has gone

Find the weakest

There hidden in shadow

All along

No reason, or need

Strike is quick

Down there it goes

Griped at heart

Darkness take hold

Daylight and at night

Happy, sad doesn’t care

In depression, with despair

No one is ever aware

artist and muse

who are we, to think

I can be

Everything is crashing

I can’t be

You tell me I can dream

Nightmares is where I will be

fear and chaos

I can’t turn into can

the words are there

pressure holds me to the ground

let go, let go

Let me live in can’t

You can always be

Chaos is inside me, let me be

I fall short

The stars I can not reach

Who am I kidding. what I am trying to achieve

to be everything locked in

failure is what I see

Turn your back on me, give up

my muse you should not be

Response

find the artist I see

lean on me

guide and learn I will find the stars

I will hold fear and chaos

Fog no more, can’t can not be

while I watch you sleep

dream and know it will be reality

Muse I shall be

Artist you shall be

put your trust in me, give me your pain

I will find the beauty in the fear

you call friend

I will find the art within, chaos

I will lift you off the ground, it will no longer hold you bound

the seed, rooted deep

the artist you will be

the struggle

echoes of stolen moments on my mind

I hear your sweet nothings whispered on the wind

empty promises

the devil on my shoulder

a moment ending to soon

cravings day and night

when and not insight

all judgement dissipates

when my eyes fall to temptation

trapped in weakness and need your delight

has me on my knees

just one more moment please

trapped in this cycle with no escape

please set me free

 

the horrible truth and PCOS

There is a moment when your eyes can no longer stay closed, where you have to wipe away the dust and realise the truths that people have been saying for a while and still I want to hide in denial in the wardrobe, in the dark where the truth can’t find me and I can pretend that everything is still the same.

But my world has to change even in hiding it finds me flashing me in the eyes with a torch, saying gotcha and pulls me out kicking a screaming. I don’t want to change my mind screams like a little child, my heart goes and gives me a hug holding my hand telling me we can do this together.

And fear stands there laughing whispering in my ear everything that could make my stomach turn making me want to run, even with my heart holding me tight.

This is what I am going through with PCOS and the dramatic changes to my diet, the complete change of conditioning, bad habits.

I am split in all these forms, my emotions taking on their own will, their need to be heard, to whisper everything in my ear, the hidden war raging inside while the world continues around the big ball of flame and gas that is our sun.

And here I am the merest spot of ink on this world, feeling like its coming down in flames and ash, as the battle of many wills, the prize flesh and bone.

All I hear sometimes is the whispers of ego maybe of fear and pleasure, telling me to eat what I feel like eating, to have that one more piece, not to worry about what it will do. Fear holding me back from my health, the person hidden beneath the fat, and extra kgs, the one that makes my heart beat ten times faster, and sweat drip as a needle comes ever closer to my skin. It can feel like a knife is splitting my arm open.

Then there is my heart, my courage telling me with every fall to get back up, to press the start again button, to put another dollar in the machine, and to never give up. Sometimes these guys my biggest allies have the smallest voices among it all.

But I do see the smallest light, the merest hope of digging myself out of the hole I am in. To find the key to the cage I have forced myself into. To finally put my feet in the sand and start walking.

Among all the fear anger, oppression I feel knowing what true changes that have to be made, is the hope that my heart will always have my hand, hold me tight and fight all my demons when I can’t.