I struggle every day with the consent noise inside my head, the total separation of my personality, I want to explain though I do not think of these as different people or identities I feel they are part of me.
They are almost like a separation of my emotions but with more to them.
i am consistently fighting to some how put all these pieces of myself together like a puzzle.
It can make it hard for people sometimes to deal with me as a person.
I would pretty much fight with these parts of myself, talk to them ask questions it could be a side effect of not really having friends as a child and being isolated who knows.
the good thing is I tend to see the world in many different ways because different parts of who I am see things in other ways from other angles etc.
I sometimes think of the scars that I have collected over the years, and of the people who gave them to me.
It still hurts sometimes and I would then find the emotional scars reopened, they are scars of childhood, of adulthood, of friendship and family.
I often wonder what I would say to these people, how would I react to them right in front of me.
Right now after years of trying to understand why, I know what i would say.
Thank you, not for the scars, not for the tears, or hurt or anger, But for the lessons, the small amount of friendship we had, for helping me grow into who I am today.
they may never go away but the lessons won’t either, you have to take the good and the bad, balance is always the essence of my life.
Delight in the life
The sensations of existance
Find the completeness of personality
The strength is the key, to finding the self
Touch the flame and know
Taste the sweetness, and become aware
See the truth of the world
having pcos isn’t to hard to live with, I can handle the diet changes, and having to workout and lose weight. I can even deal with the fact that weight loss is a huge up hill battle, and the small chance of children in the future.
The thing I can’t handle is the hair growth, its just under my chin, I hate it, I can live with slightly wobbly arms, and slightly bigger hips and thighs, but it’s the chin hair that does my head in.
I feel judged and tormented by it, what real woman grows facial hair, it feels unnatural, I get it waxed every 4 weeks, but its that last week that really hurts, whenever I brush my hand near my chin I feel the rough bits of hair, or looking in a mirror while brushing my teeth there is that faint growth hidden along the edges of the upper part of my chin, it feels like there is a neon sign pointed to it.
I am lucky that my partner has always being very understanding, but its almost like it un-woman’s me, I feel less then who I should be, I feel judged, I judge and hate that I can never really hide it.
It makes me feel so dirty, and there is nothing that makes me feel cleaner then when I get it waxed.
There are a few moments through my life, they became those moments that changed the direction of ypur life.
One of the earliest was not my biggest but it is still close to my heart, i love baking even as a child, we used to bake most of our cakes out of a packet, then dad changed my whole world he told me that i cpuld do it from scratch, it was such a mind changing moment for me as a child.
The next was not the best, but it helped me push on, i was told by so many in primary school that i would not be able to get through high school, that i would never go to uni, so it pushed me to prove them all wrong, so now i have nearly finished my 2nd year at tafe, then i have one more year, then i will go to uni, and finally complete my goal from so many years ago.
The 3rd was my grandfather telling me something i really wanted to hear, i was in a bad place. My parents were always fighting, the kids at school hated me, i really felt alone and isolated i did not think i would see past the age of 16yrs, i dont remember how it came about but some how i told him i wanted to die, he then told me suicide is the cowards way out, (i do want to make a note here that at the age i was at the time the world was all blacl and white these days i understand that is not always true, that is was someones last resort) with those words he saved me from a worse fate, these days i have so much more to live for.
It was midnight, the full moon was highest in the sky, she had just awoken making her way to the gate, its black metal, slightly gleaming in the moon light, the streets, were filled with masked revellers, celebrating the day of the dead, it had other names in other parts of the world.
She swung her body around, her head tilting to the side, a small smile gracing her lips, her slowly swing side to side, the music washing over her.
But she was seeking something, seeking someone, her mind snapping back to her tusk, she moved forward towards the one place she knew they would be.
Her dark clothes, the red flowers in her dark hair, and her face covered in paint, made it easy for her to make her way through the heavy crowds.
She was looking forward to seeing them, smiling.
Turning a corner she bumped into some dancers, swinging her body she joined in, moving her body to and fro, her movements liquid.
Her face filled with joy, the group of them moved in sync with each other, the music was like a drug, the emotions were over flowing, they were celebrating, life and death.
Her face turned, hitting the light, her partners eyes widened, she smiled at him, her head cocked to the side, she curtsied, moving off again through the crowds of people, she knew his eyes would follow her, but his feet would stay planted to the ground.
She was getting close she could feel it.
The crowds started to thin out, as most of the celebrations was located at the town square, she wasn’t here to actually celebrate, the costume, the makeup was just a way to make it easier.
With easy, and light step she was finally on her own street, they would not be celebrating with the big crowds, they would be having a small family gathering at the house.
There was a spring in her step, she was nearly home after such a long time, she couldn’t wait to see her babies, her little boy and new born daughter.
She stopped as she watched a parade make its way towards the party goers, horses and acrobats, magic makers and knife throwers, fire eaters, it was a vision of the senses, the smoke hit her nose, her eyes glittered in the fire light, her skin felt the heat, the music flowed through her ears, her hands gilded along the soft hair of the horse.
Its eyes widened, its head turned, it looked her in the eye, it through its head back, its body shook, throwing its front legs in the air it bucked darting away.
Some of the performs ran after the retreating horse. Luckily no one had been on it at the time.
Her eyes had followed the creature, envying its freedom, its power, its speed.
A small bit of fear, crept into her heart, anger, hurt. Her hand went to her throat, holding it lightly around the neck.
Her eyes kept pace with the performers, their laughter, and joy, she saw the other performs coming back with the horse, it had calmed down after they catch up with it, one of them talked the horse down, giving it something to eat, rubbing their hand along the spine as they made their way to the leather strap around the horse’s mouth.
Her eyes became glassy the world around her bled, the colours and sounds around her, the smells all blended together her senses becoming intense, it was a blur of emotions.
“Don’t you have some where to be”
She came back to herself. Looking down to her right, she found an old lady standing next to her.
Her eyes crinkled as she smiled. Her warn face telling many stories, a long life. Her clothes were black, and her face unpainted.
She cocked her head, her brow wrinkled.
The old woman laughed “I am too old to join in the celebrations”
She smiled, turning her head back the way she came. The parade had finally made their way to the main celebration.
“Time is running out, go do what you need to, see your family”
Her mind was over whelmed with a vision, a candle sat in the old woman’s hand, its wax a melted pile around her feet, the flame dim, the candle only a very small column of wax, its slow drips making their way down her hands, as it adds to the pile around her.
The old lady put her hand against the younger woman’s cheek “Yes, my time is nearly done. Do not be sad for me, My life has been full and I am content” Her smile, hit her eyes.
The young woman could see the beauty the old woman once was.
“Come, let me guide you” The old woman said, taking her hand away from her cheek and taking her hand. “You mind is wondering, I will keep you on the path you desire”
The young woman smiled, nodding her head, her eyes bright with hope.
The old woman guided her down the street towards the house, they found the front window, the glow of light coming through, the old woman, brought her closer. the figures slowly took shape.
Her heart became heavy in her chest, her free hand clinching itself, she held it close to her breast, feeling for the chain around her neck, her pulse became faster, she could feel her bloods coursing through her body.
She didn’t want to look, she turned her face away before any detail could truly come into focus, closing her eyes, she tried to calm down. She tried to pull her hand away from the old woman’s grip, but her hold was strong and tight.
She looked down at their joined hands, she tried pulling away again, her forehead creasing with anger.
“Come, come see them, look” The old woman whispered in her ear.
She shook her head.
She heard a door open.
“Grandmother?” a young male voice asked.
“Hello, child, I brought a friend with me, hope your mother doesn’t mind”
She heard a joyous laugh, finally opening her eyes, a small gasp escaped her mouth, there he was, he was older then she remembered this child was ten years old, last time she saw him he was five.
“I’m sure mother won’t mind, she loves entertaining”
The old woman nodded her head, smiling a little laugh coming out of her mouth. “Come, dear it will be nicer inside, my old bones would love to sit down, come, come you are safe” She patted the younger woman’s hand.
The older woman slowly pulled the younger woman by the hand.
Her feet slowly complied moving towards the front door, her hand still held tightly to the old woman.
Her eyes widened, looking around the room, she saw the photographs, saw herself, her childern, her head moved to the side, as she studied the image’s along the wall, the old woman letting go of her hand, as she moved closer to the pictures.
Her forehead wrinkled, confused. Her eyes found the old woman’s.
She just smiled in answer.
“Mother” a woman around the same age as her emerged from the kitchen.
The old woman, smile widened “Daughter” She opened her arms wide, inviting her daughter into a hug.
“My son tells me you have brought, someone with you tonight?” curiously she looked over to the other young woman, staring at the wall of photographs. “Mother!” a small amount of fear filling her voice.
The old woman patted her daughters hand, “It’s ok, where is my brother”
“Mother I don’t think that is a good idea”
“Go fetch your uncle now dear”
The young woman looking at the photographs looked up, watching mother and daughter tense, fear was radiating out of the daughter. She didn’t say another word turning on her heel leaving the room.
A few seconds later a older man then even the woman maybe five, six years older stood in the room.
“Brother” she said smiling “We seem to have a special guest, a visitor”
Her brother tilted his head, his eyes following his sisters, whose were focused on the woman with her back turned.
He turned back to his sister “I don’t understand?” his voice unsure.
The woman froze, her body stiffened, her body slowly turned, her eyes at first unfocused, slowly took in the details of the man in front of her, the first thing she noticed was how both brother and sister looked alike.
She heard his breath catch.
“How?” He whispered. “Why?”
His sister smiled “It is Day of the Dead, as to why” her voiced lowered into a whisper “Well, that is a secret that she only knows”
“That is a lie sister” He replied sharply.
She nodded “She is here for me, I know she is”
The young woman smiled, finally remembering why, remembered her quest this night.
She walked up, putting her palm to the old woman’s face, she leaned into her palm, her face relaxing.
“Sister, no, what about your children, your grandchildren” He grabbed her upper her arm.
She glared at him. “Brother, you know that it doesn’t work that way. Do you think for a moment if she had a choice she would have left us, would have left father and broken his heart”
Memories came flooding back to her, a cold night, isolation, fear, red and then darkness. Pushing through, her mind forms the images she had been holding back, a man, his grip hard around her body. It made her sick, the feel of a cold blade close to her neck.
Her hand moved to the spot that the blade had rested, feeling the bumps of the stitches.
She felt it slide along her skin, smoothly, opening her, her eyes glazing, her body limp, she watched as he took her belongings, and disappearing into the dark, her last thoughts of her new born baby girl, her young five year old son and her husband, his strength and his love, he will look after them, her will protect them.
Tears, made tracks along her face, mingling with her life blood, she didn’t want to die, she wanted to live, she still had so much more to live for, she was meant to live until she was an old woman surrounded by grandchildren, she was meant to be there when her children got married, her daughters first kiss, watching her son fall in love.
But she wasn’t going to see all those things.
She was here now, she was going to finally do something for her child, her hand had never left her daughters cheek, her other touching her belly, sadness swallowed her.
“Mother, you are here now, when I need you most, forgive yourself” She broke contact, moving to the lounge, “Ah, that is better” she laid down. “I think I shall like to have a nap now brother a nice long one”
“Sister, please, I am not ready, you are the only family I have”
“What about your wife, your children, and your an uncle, they are all here for you. It is my time yours will come, and then who knows who will come for you” She winked, her eyes closing.
Their mother sat beside her daughter, stroking her hair, hymning a soft tune.
She turned smiling, a woman stood nearby her face painted like her own. She rushed into her arms.
They turned and looked at the old man smiling, they got up and made their way out of the house into the night, its darkness warping around them.
Creative Cha0s 