I have spent the last three years learning photography. the link below is the video of my final project.
I did my project on PCOS and the five stages of grief. We handed it in, in book form and video form.
I am currently fixing the book to make available for sale.
just copy and past into google.
In sight you are blind Salt and taste I find a touchless life The sound goes unheard Breath deep.
In Australia it’s spring, ironic when you think about it. This is the month of New beginings, of the birds and the bees. Alot of us can’t even have kids. The One thing that is suppose to just happen.
For women with pcos this month is suppose to bring awareness, to our suffering. Yet I see no pins or pens being sold, or ads for awareness. There isn’t any walks for awareness.
The worst is the silence from those closet to you who just don’t get it and usually that is the man in your life, they are there for you but just don’t understand how you feel about yourself.
The chin hair, the struggle with weight and the moods that come and go like the weather. You just want to scream and be as close to normal as you can.
There is no cure and no true medical help you wonder around alone in the dark searching for answers.
Wishing there was something’s to get your body to spot being so chaotic.
As most people know with pcos one of the biggest issues is weight gain.
The other day at an appointment I got weighed in I’m the biggest I have ever been 104kg, this weight gain is on top the muscle I gained while losing weight.
I got 20+ KGS off over two years, then family issues came up and I became emotionally drained I wasn’t able to look after myself.
I just kept putting it back on, I kept finding no why out of the self sabotaging behaviour.
And I couldn’t explain to people what I was going through, the darkness that held tight. People kept trying to help but I just couldn’t take the steps, the things I really wanted to do.
Even knowing I’m 104 I have to keep reminding myself, it has become a mantra when I look at foods I want that are bad for you.
I am hoping it will take me out of the crazy cycle of self destructive behavior.
I don’t want to be over weight, I don’t want to feel like hiding myself and being super careful of what i wear.
I want to be size 12
I want to be 78-82kg range.
Self destruction is not an easy habit to break.
With eyes that are mine
I watch the battle from the outside
hands tied
Useless
I am
You struggle, I don’t understand
So we yell, we cry
we love
You wont servive
distoryed by your own mind
You are not you, but you are you
So memory is where I find the whole of what used to be
A stranger stands here now, where you used to be
Please understand and be patient with me
I don’t understand
The stranger of the face of a person I once knew stands in front of me
sorry dont have a title yet for this, it is about how i feel useless in watching as my father is going through dementia.
So tomorrow I have to start on a week of no sugar, dairy, carbs, fruit, gluten, and no caffeine, I am unsure how I am going to do this.
I like and am kind of addicted to some of these, hot chocolate is my go to drink, fruits are usually my snack.
I am finding it hard to come to terms with this.
I believe for me it will be like a drug addict going through withdrawal.
Hope my partner can cope and my mother in-law understand.
I have noticed a rise in feminism on social media honesty I don’t where this rush came from, maybe I just hadn’t notice it and it’s always been there.
I am going to say right now I don’t know much about the history of it, from what I understand it started with women wanting more rights to their bodies, life choices and equality with men.
I find there are two main camps those that are pro and those against, then there is the minor camps who don’t want to call themselves feminist but believe in equal rights, and those that who don’t really care.
I really don’t know my camp, or even if I need those classifications to define myself.
I should explain a little of my up bringing and experiences. I had a bad childhood, I had no where to hide no safe place, but in the end my brother and I were mostly treated the same, same chores, same bedtimes, and same punishments, and gifts.
Every job I had I was never looked down upon because I am a woman I was because of my learning difficulties, that was when I was pre judged, pre boxed by people who did not know me.
So here I am after talking to people, seeing the status’s and the shares and comments, and just wow the fights a brutal, there is no discussions no friendly talking and mature understanding, instead name calling and aggressive behavior.
And from my understanding it’s because this word has been hijacked by some man hating women.
The worst part about this battle raging around us is we all want is the same thing equal rights for men and women, freedom of speech. Just because people want to take a different path, or call themselves by another name does it matter, as long as we achieve the same result.
I am going to make a comparison and I want to say I am sorry if I offend anyone this was not my intention.
This war for equal rights, and going different ways about it, is the same as religion we all want to go to heaven (whatever that is based on your own beliefs) just because we take different paths, believe in different ways, worship follow different rules, we all still believe in it, still want peace and light.
I am at this stage in my own process going through a transformation, breaking away from my emotive and logical response to a place of experience.
I do have one issue with this movement as I am still in a process of change and this issue of freeing the nipple, I agree in the terms of feeding a baby, for art and for it to be shown on social media. Where I disagree is the idea of us a women walking around without a shirt or bra, I can get on board with no shirt with a bra as it is the same as walking on the beach with a bikini top on.
Women are harsh judges of their own sex, more so then men, and I already have low self esteem I don’t need more (I know if I don’t want to take my shirt off as nobody is going to make me) but I honestly don’t want to see women walking around with their breasts bared in the middle of the city, men don’t do that unless their homeless, drugged up, or something is wrong with them. They tend to do it closer to home, mowing the law fixing things around the house, exercising.
I do believe in equal rights, but there is still women and men who are living in hell without the freedom of their own sexuality.
Also have some of these people read or saw young adult movies the last what 10yrs all the main characters are strong female leads, the Hunger games, house of night, the Divergent series, shadow hunter series, Buffy, xena, the men were secondary characters.
When the giver, the maze runner series, ender’s game, legend and Harry Potter came along I was like thank God there are some male leads out there.
I didn’t mention twilight just because alot of people wouldn’t see these characters as strong, I do like the series and there are some that are strong, and more realized in the books hello Alice.
Sorry for all the rambling.
This idea that you are either for or against is bullshit i guarantee we all want the same thing freedom and respect for everyone.
And speaking of equal rights gay marriage should be legal.
Sorry to offend anyone, on that but I do feel strongly for it.
I am always happy to discuss different views with others but we need to respect what we believe and how we get there.
Mirror, reflect truths of hidden pain
It is impossible to stay the same
Denial don’t leave
Broken, naked the truth bares down on me
Hide no more, in darkness my friend
Denial has left, the door wide open
Truth is here holding tight
Embrace torn apart
Comfort is found
eyes leave the lies behind
Denial no longer lives here
Return descender, my dear.
Deny, deny, deny
You the enemy standing in front of me
The light, the light the light
Darkness will hide
With closed eyes, I will continue this life
Untouched by change, I will be the same
Hide, hide hide,
Out of sight
Run I will from the truth you hold
Eyes closed shut
Deny, deny, deny
Dienal my bed fellow
Denial I live, eyes wide shut
I do not believe in you
I will stay, be the same
Fight I will, red in sight
My fire burning bright
I am me, I don’t believe
Please take what you need
Give me back who I used to be
Turn back the clock, make this a dream
Pulled down and stripped
Lost, even in light
My pain, bruise and scare hidden from your sight
So it is my fate
To change, stripped from old
Reborn, I accept all that has gone before
Creative Cha0s 