echoes of stolen moments on my mind
I hear your sweet nothings whispered on the wind
empty promises
the devil on my shoulder
a moment ending to soon
cravings day and night
when and not insight
all judgement dissipates
when my eyes fall to temptation
trapped in weakness and need your delight
has me on my knees
just one more moment please
trapped in this cycle with no escape
please set me free
There is a moment when your eyes can no longer stay closed, where you have to wipe away the dust and realise the truths that people have been saying for a while and still I want to hide in denial in the wardrobe, in the dark where the truth can’t find me and I can pretend that everything is still the same.
But my world has to change even in hiding it finds me flashing me in the eyes with a torch, saying gotcha and pulls me out kicking a screaming. I don’t want to change my mind screams like a little child, my heart goes and gives me a hug holding my hand telling me we can do this together.
And fear stands there laughing whispering in my ear everything that could make my stomach turn making me want to run, even with my heart holding me tight.
This is what I am going through with PCOS and the dramatic changes to my diet, the complete change of conditioning, bad habits.
I am split in all these forms, my emotions taking on their own will, their need to be heard, to whisper everything in my ear, the hidden war raging inside while the world continues around the big ball of flame and gas that is our sun.
And here I am the merest spot of ink on this world, feeling like its coming down in flames and ash, as the battle of many wills, the prize flesh and bone.
All I hear sometimes is the whispers of ego maybe of fear and pleasure, telling me to eat what I feel like eating, to have that one more piece, not to worry about what it will do. Fear holding me back from my health, the person hidden beneath the fat, and extra kgs, the one that makes my heart beat ten times faster, and sweat drip as a needle comes ever closer to my skin. It can feel like a knife is splitting my arm open.
Then there is my heart, my courage telling me with every fall to get back up, to press the start again button, to put another dollar in the machine, and to never give up. Sometimes these guys my biggest allies have the smallest voices among it all.
But I do see the smallest light, the merest hope of digging myself out of the hole I am in. To find the key to the cage I have forced myself into. To finally put my feet in the sand and start walking.
Among all the fear anger, oppression I feel knowing what true changes that have to be made, is the hope that my heart will always have my hand, hold me tight and fight all my demons when I can’t.
So i like many others have new years resolutions, and i do plan to keep them as best I can, we are all human and it is easy to fall and stumble and the best thing to do, pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep going.
so I wanted to write them down somewhere and even keep updated posts and feelings about them.
to start the list:
I have been holding off writing this for a while, I went on holiday back home for two weeks and it was a huge eye opener.
I have been spending the last two years not just dealing with my weight issues, but my eating issues as well, I am almost completely in control.
Then I went back home, and I felt myself slide back into old ways, the first week was ok, but the second came with so much bad stuff, I though hey how the hell did I keep this up for so long.
I hated it mostly, but there was a part of me that I didn’t know who still existed, she just didn’t care. She wanted to eat whatever she wanted, I have always been at war with myself and now I know what that path will lead me.
But, its hard even though it was only for two weeks, to break these habits, to get back on track.
I am very lucky to have my amazing trainer, who believes I can get back on track.
these ghosts have made me realize, that I will be fighting myself for most likely the rest of my life and that scares me.
I think about food, even when I am not hungry, when it comes to weight loss and diet, pcos and management of it all I am my own demon, my own enemy and some how I must fight back and take control.
One of my biggest isaues is my diet being someone who has pcos, my diet plays a huge role in how my body is shaped and treated, and is linked to my emotional state, it plays a bigger role the normal.
Excerise is still a very important part of my daily routine.
I started seeing a dietitian last year after being diagnosed with pcos at first i found it really helpful but as time went on i felt lost and confused as the dietition kept saying the same things over and over again, and i felt my mental state was being ignored as usually the two are linked.
Finally she gave me this book so i started reading it finding it interesting and helpful.
But all i could think of is why am i paying you money to tell me something i already know, eat more vegetables, cut down on sweets, exercise and cut down on carbs etc, that was at first great advice but after a while i needed more then those words.
I got to a stand point for over 4months my weight wouldnt move i was doing well exercising but my diet wasn’t thr best i simiply could not control it, it should be simiple right.
Finally my trainer had enough and told me about isagenix explaining how it works and it wasn’t some quick fix fad which was fantastic because that was the last thing i wanted.
So i took the step and now after months i finally have slowly began to move those kgs again i have hit the 80s i feel i have more energy and i hope to continue the program into the future, as with pcos weight control is a huge part of keeping it under control and i plan to manage it as best as i can.
as I have stated before I have PCOS, and with that comes certain changes, that includes diet and I sometimes continuely refuse to acknowledge the need for these changes, of course by refusing to accept the truth my health is affected.
I’m not just letting others down including my trainer who right now is the most supportive person I have at the moment, so while I feel isolated and alone, she is right there in my corner, while I fight against myself. Because that is what the real fight is with not with pcos but with my old life style.
The last time it clicked for me, was when I hit 110kg and then when I lost most of that I got to 85kg and then I went up to 103kg and I can’t wait for it click for me again, I can’t watch my weight go up again as my motivation.
And my trainer told me a hard truth, no one can say anything to make me do what I need to, it has to be all me, it has to be my choice and as hard as it is, I can’t eat like everyone else my body doesn’t respond that way and I have to accept that.
It’s a hard lesson to understand, and put into practice because who wants to be the person who is always watching what they eat.
I am a huge foodie, I love nearly everything and will try most things at least once, and I have a huge sweet tooth, the idea of anything from chocolate to some out of this world restaurants creations just makes me feel like I live in heaven.
But there is an issue, I am over weight, I was worse a few years ago weighing in at 103kg size 20 clothes, now 90.3 clothing size between 14 to 16 I still have 10kg to go, I have PCOS which I talked about in another post.
The thing is, mentally I want to stop this need for it all the time, I want to be fit and healthy and find the balance I need with my diet, I know all the actions I need to take, so whats the problem, I keep finding brick walls in my path and guess who put them there, me, so I should be able to knock them down right! it makes sense.
But I find myself waiting for tomorrow, that it will all start tomorrow, one little bit of this or that, a can of coke wont hurt, but it does.
I feel the guilt through the first bite til the last bite, then get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror in anger and hurt, why did I do that yesterday, why couldn’t I choose a different item, I didn’t have to put that in my mouth, omg its just food it is fuel for my body.
My mornings start off great, I have a healthy breakfast 98% of the time, with a tea or hot chocolate (I don’t drink coffee) and then off to TAFE, or a workout or whatever other things i have to do.
Then something happens, my mind clicks over, my attuide changes, I some how justify my choices, like access to healthy food, or I really need a sugar hit because I am tired. My tafe is about an hour away by train and we do not have a fridge for the students to put meals in, so its hard to take anything with me that I could eat. But surely I can make better choices, some days I do, most I don’t, and then I blame others, how is it their fault they didnt put that food in my mouth, they didn’t make me buy it.
Why am i doing this to myself, I’m not talking about getting rid of those little things completely I am talking about controlling my wants and focusing on my needs, the companies who make these of course they know what they are doing, there is a reason everything looks the way it does, but does that mean they are putting a gun to my head and making me buy it, NO! I choose to.
I know what is in alot of the stuff I eat, I know that most of it is artificial, I know there are things in them to make them taste amazing and make my body react to it.
I don’t want to eat them any more, the problem is how do I stop myself, it isn’t as easy as saying no, it doesn’t work like that if it did, I wouldn’t be like this in the first place, I am aware, I know the excuses I use, and I know there is something that triggers it, how do I switch that trigger off, how do I stop putting the gun to my own head and go hey walk away now.
I don’t need this.
Food is not what it was, we are not what we were, our relationship over time has changed it is nolonger a true need, as we are surrounded by it, and we are not as active as we once were. And I can not blame those around me for my own issues and faults, the environment that I put myself in is my own choosing, the people who I hung out with are my own choosing, I choose what is on my plate, I choose what size it is, and I want to choose a healthy balanced lifestyle, but I need to figure out how to take that first step, how to find the balance and how to manage my eating, and addiction to the type of foods I eat.
I have had people tell me that it takes 2-4wks to get those sorts of wants out of your system and after that the cravings disappear, I just need to find that right motivation, the right action to make that switch to turn on.
I just feel like right now there is two of me fighting over my plate and my weight.
Creative Cha0s 